My Thoughts And Feelings:
Hi, My name is Elena: I love being referred to as Dennis's Mom. A lot of people ask me, how do you get through losing a child? You don't, not really. Speaking for myself - I finally had to accept what I knew I couldn't change. After all the crying, praying, pleading, questioning, blaming, searching and wishing I could end my own life, I felt like an empty shell inside. I have never felt so alone in my life! My baby, my only child, my son, my best friend, the only person, in the world, that would have stuck by me, no matter what, was gone.....You don't get over it! You just go on. I never thought I would live a year pass my son's death. I prayed morning, noon, and night, for God to take me to my Son. That's all I wanted in Life and in Death. I am not a stranger to death. My mother died in a auto-accident, when I was (6) years old. I've lost Grandparents and Dogs (that were like my children). I lost my Father and my oldest Sister, within a year after my Son's death. All of whom I was very close to. But nothing or no one can take the place of my child or fill the void.
I am enjoying life again but not without saying that, there's not a day goes by that he's not on my mind. I think about him a lot! I feel him around me, especially when I need him most. Sometimes when I'm really feeling lonely, I'll hear a song or see a rainbow and I feel like he's trying to tell me, he's thinking about me too. Dennis looks just like his Daddy. I've never seen two people look more alike. I look at his Dad sometimes and it's almost like looking at Dennis. It hurts, but at the same time it gives me a comfort. I enjoy being by myself more now, because I don't have to hide, when I just want to let it out...After a while people think it's time to get over it and go on with your life but how can you, when that life included your Child?
Things are back to - as good as normal can get...I've got a husband, Ronnie, that I love and two dogs, that are my babies. (So I'm still referred to as a mommy). Talking to my Son helps. I talk to him sometime, like he is standing in front of me. I have since the day, he died. I still write letters to him. Still wish him a Merry Christmas and a Happy Birthday. I have a necklace that I put on him at his Wake and I have the other half in my ear. It says: Lord watch between me and thee, while we're absent from one another. It's in the shape of a broken heart. I also have a tattoo of a Cross with a Heart in the middle. It has his name and John 3-16. I also have a double face charm on my belly button - one is smiling and the other is frowning. Dennis, gave me that a long time ago. I tried to wear both charms around my neck but they are silver and they kept breaking me out. They don't bother me, where they are now.
For now, I'll just trust in God and know, that when it's my time to go, I'll have my Son on one side and Jesus on the other. God Bless: Elena - Dennis's Mama
I've had people try to tell me, what I should and shouldn't be doing. What's healthy and what's not. Don't get me wrong - I love these people and I know that they love me. I try to tell them that by doing some of the things I do, it's helping me. I feel closer to Dennis when I am by my self or out at the Cemetery, sitting by his grave. At first, I would stay out there from sun rise to sun set, when I wasn't working. Now, not quite so much...I felt like if I wasn't out there, he would wonder why and I was not very happy away from his grave for very long periods either...I feel like I have to be doing something for him. I can go for a little while and everything is OK but then I get this feeling and if I don't get involved in something that's got something to do with him, I feel like I am going to go crazy.
People try to understand but they don't and I don't expect them to. They haven't lost their child. Nor can they imagine what it's like. I guess you could say I still have to have my time, for just Dennis and I. No interference, just me and him...
Building this Memorial for him has helped out a lot. I had another Memorial for him but I have never been satisfied with it. I had never even been on a computer, until after Dennis's death, so learning how to do things on it and everything that you have to know to have a website was a first. I built his first Memorial with a site builder offered by the web host I was using.
Thanks to one of my friends on line and a few others I've learned to build my own. I have spent sleepless nights going over emails, html tags, papers, books and anything else I could get my hands on trying to learn. Not to mention, Praying and asking for God's help in removing this mental block that would not let me figure it all out, (lol). Finally, with the help of my dear friend Susie, I took off...It started to all make sense. There is still a lot to learn, but I'll get there. "Susie, (Jason's Mom) if you're reading this, you were a God's sent". I thank you and my Dennis thanks you, more than you'll ever know...Also, I would like to thank Beth, (Hayes's Mom) for helping me move my site over to a new host and spending a lot of her time in trying to teach me how to manage my ftp program. I owe these two Moms a lot! I'll never forget you or your precious boys. Somehow I think they are responsible for connecting us all together. For all the others, that have more than willingly answered my questions, thank you so much.
Building Dennis's Memorial, has help me in doing something for him and also sharing his life with others. Memorials in Honor of our children help us in keeping their Memories alive. We appreciate when someone visits our Children's Memorial and shares their thoughts with us in our guestbooks. So, remember each time you sign, you have put a smile in our hearts. Thank you...
Gone For Now-But Never Forgotten
Music By: Celine Dion And R. Kelly/I Am Your Angel